I Have A Confession...

In case anyone was making the mistake in thinking that I'm perfect in doing what I preach--I'm here to confess.

Lately (I say lately, but I really mean maybe the last five months)I've noticed that my prayers have been way below standard. I used to be really great at prayers, they were constant, and meaningful, and answers came. But, as I've said, I've been struggling lately. I can barely manage to say morning and evening prayers, and when I do they just lack the spiritual power that they used to have. So, looking at it logically, I've done the math: if God hasn't changed, and the Holy Ghost hasn't changed, then the one person in this equation who had to have changed was me!

Now, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in this, changing, I mean. Life changes, people change, and so relationships change as a result, even the relationship with our Heavenly Father. Which is why I've maybe been so slow to get back to where I was. I was rationalizing, making excuses for myself. Have you ever done that? I would say, Oh, I try better next fast Sunday so that I can start off strong. Things get busy and crazy so then I think, Well, too bad, I'll try better next month.

Well, no more procrastinating. I don't know why I think that making a change always has to be some big thing, that the ritual of fasting and meditation prove to God that I'm serious. I am serious, right now. So I better do it before I lose the courage.

And that's what it really comes down to: fear. Not laziness, but a fear to pray. Since I haven't been praying that well, it means that I haven't been repenting that well. And so, I know that this prayer isn't going to be easy. Me and Heavenly Father have a lot to discuss. I know I'm going to cry, but I also know that He is going to make me feel so much better about myself, and I'm going to come out of it red-eyed and smiling.

Funny that I talked about Primary Answers last week, because it was in Primary that it really hit me hard that I need to improve my prayers. During sharing time, the Primary President shared a quote from a BYU Devotional by Bruce D. Porter that really hit me hard:

"But prayer was never meant to be ordinary: it can be among the most exalted of privileges we enjoy in this mortal sphere."

Prayer was never meant to be ordinary. Wow. I mean, it is the way to commune with deity, God the Father, the Supreme Creator of the universe. No, I guess that it wouldn't be ordinary.

So, this is a confession, and I hope it lets you all know that I'm working on things too. It's easy to say things like love your neighbor and pray everyday and keep the commandments of God: doing them is something else entirely. But, entirely worth it.