How Will You React?

The first weekend in October brings General Conference, a gathering and sharing of latter-day prophets and holy women prophesying of Jesus Christ. Through them God may ask us to do something, or through the whisperings of the Spirit answers prays with a call to action.

Either way, we can accept or reject these promptings and instructions. How will we react to the Word?

Let us not be like the Pharisees and other wise men who rejected Jesus: Bible Video-Jesus declares He is the Messiah

Let's prepare now to be humble, and accept that we are before God's eyes, and He has a work for us.

Preparing For Conference

This upcoming weekend is the LDS General Conference, a meeting of prophets like Samuel to speak to the world. It is amazing. Maybe the Bible is hard because it was written for people thousands of years ago, so imagine how the Word of God is if spoken today!

The conference can be seen on the BYU channel, or online at lds.org.

So to prepare to listen to the words of the Lord's prophets, I'll post some past talks and a few quotes that should get up pumped up.

"You show your trust in Him when you listen with the intent to learn and repent and then you go and do whatever He asks. If you trust God enough to listen for His message in every sermon, song, and prayer in this conference, you will find it. And if you then go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to find that He has come to trust you."

~"Trust in God, Then Go and Do" Elder Eyring, October 2010 General Conference

A Time For Singing

"And these are they whom David set over the service of song in the house of the LORD, after that the ark had rest. And they ministered before the dwelling place of the tabernacle of the congregation with singing, until Solomon had built the house of the LORD in Jerusalem: and then they waited on their office according to their order" (1 Chronicles 6:31-32)

David made part of the priestly worship singing? No surprise there, a very David-esque thing to do. And God seemed to be okay with it. In fact, the scriptures that Jesus quoted most often were from Isaiah and the Psalms.

But, when Solomon's temple was built, it appears that the 'service of song' stopped, and the men resumed the normal priesthood administrations of the Levite order. This can be compared to the latter-days and Joseph Smith, to whom God said that baptisms for the dead were okay to perform in rivers until the temple was built. With the temple, ordinances done in rivers was no continued.

From a mortal perspective it looks like God is inconsistent with His instructions. But really, it is just the divine trying to work with imperfect mortals. There is a time for rivers, and a time for temples, a time for singing, and a time for silence. One is not necessarily more right than another, God allows for our limitations and confines, and for our expression of rejoicing.

Maybe this is what God means when He says that His house is a "house of order" (D&C109:8)--that he puts people and priesthood into order, like filing away papers into a folder, organizing them. He can choose to order a different way for different times. This would explain why there are different orders of the priesthood.

Just remember, even though there are places and time of reverence, God also enjoys times of singing. Song can make prophets of us all.

Did God Just Call Me A Prostitute?

"and they transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land" (1 Chronicles 5:25)

Israel went after other gods, and so God allowed Assyria to take them away. I've mentioned this before, in the Books of Kings they described it this way: "and sold themselves to do evil" (2 Kings 17:17). Selling ourselves feels like slavery, that to get those things we think will make us happy we are willing to sell our freedom. The writers of Chronicles are adding a new twist to the idea.

What is our relationship with God? We are God's children, His sons and daughters, everyone. But beyond that, to lay claim to that relationship, we enter into a covenant relationship. A covenant relationship is like the marriage commitment: we promise to love Him, only Him, forever. So, when we go after other gods that's an obvious breach of commitment. This could mean other religions, other gods, other beliefs and philosophies that don't worship the Father. It could also be TV, sports, clothes, money--anything that is putting God second, or third, or fourth.

And when we do that, yes, we're whoring ourselves. We are selling ourselves, our time and effort and money, or very souls, for something else. Something that we think will make us happier. And, isn't that usually the case when someone leaves a marriage? They aren't satisfied with their current happiness, and so look for someone else they think can make them happier.

The only problem is, if the one making the relationship not all it can be is you, then no matter who you hitch your wagon too you'll never be happy. But a covenant relationship with God is more than just two people living together, it is a relationship designed to make us better, heal us, make us all we can be. No other relationship, or person, or thing, can save us, can through the burdens of life away. So when we seek after something other than our Father, we are selling ourselves cheap, for someone who doesn't know our real value, who won't be able to release the god within us all.

A Historical Note

"Now the sons of Reuben the firstborn of Israel, (for he was the firstborn; but, forasmuch as he defiled his father’s bed, his birthright was given unto the sons of Joseph the son of Israel: and the genealogy is not to be reckoned after the birthright. For Judah prevailed above his brethren, and of him came the chief bruler; but the birthright was Joseph’s)" (1 Chronicles 5:1-2)

So here is the quick and dirty history. I'm writing this now because 1 Chronicles gives some brief history inbetween genealogies, and I realized that they do this because no one really made the context clear in Kings, which means that I probably didn't either.
First, while Joseph got the birthright, Judah got the rulers. Remember, Ruben lost the first born right because he slept with his dad's concubine. Simeon and Levi, next in line, killed a whole city full of men to avenge their sister's rape, going against the covenant of peace that Jacob had made with them. And remember, Jacob thought that Joseph was dead this while time, so Judah was to receive the birthright (and remember, he was the one who helped save Joseph's life in the first place, so he was an ok guy). But then Joseph wasn't dead and his sons got the birthright. At that same time, Jacob blessed Judah with rulership.
But notice, it was not Ephraim and Manassah that had the priesthood right in the time of judges and kings-again, the right comes by right of righteousness, not birth. But, this is important to know historically, because after Solomon the kingdom split in two: the northern and southern Kingdoms. The southern kingdom is referred to as Judah, even though most of the tribe of Benjamin was there too. And the northern kingdom is called Ephraim in the scriptures, even though there were at least nine other tribes.
This is important to know once we start into the books of prophecy, where they talk about the return of Ephraim.
These two Kingdoms are always working against each other. But then Judah makes a pact with Assyria, and the Assyrians conquor the northern kingdom, take most of the people captive back to their country, and bring in Gentiles to supplement that area. These become the Samaritans, the offspring of these gentiles and the Israelities of the northern kingdom. And those taken away are called the lost ten tribes. But then, not shortly after, the southern kingdom is conquered by the Babylonians, and many are taken captive to Babylon, like the prophet Daniel.
Okay, I think that brings us up to speed. Sorry, wasn't a very 'brief' historical note. But, it does show that God is no respector of persons, and He doesn't care about your lineage, if you're not righteous then you're not getting the spiritual gifts. So why then does God make promises and blessings by families? Maybe, because in a perfect world, families are important. And God wants to work through family order then a kingly or priesthood order.

King David's Sisters

"Whose sisters were Zeruiah, and Abigail. And the sons of Zeruiah; Abishai, and Joab, and Asahel, three" (1 Chronicles 2:16).

In the genealogies of the kings and priests, there is also included the lines of Ishmaelites and Edomites, and even women. Now, Zeruiah, daughter of Jesse and sister to David, had a son named Joab who was David's captain and played a major role in the book of Kings. Yet, his mother and her sister didn't really need to be named--at least, that is what I would have thought of a very male-powered society.

But apparently that culture did think it was important to include these women, sisters to the King David. Notice, Zeruiah's husband is not mentioned. It is her relationship to Jesse and David that is important, not who her husband was.

Now, I love the Book of Mormon, so do not think that I'm in anyway putting it down...but, I have noticed that there is at least on strength that the OT has that the BOM seems to be lacking in: the inclusion of women in the history. The BOM only mentions four women by name (See if you can guess who). The Bible could have done the same, just mentioned that Joab was son of his sister. But they didn't. Whoever compiled the genealogy thought that the woman's name was worth recording, saving for future knowledge.

And the sister's of David are not the only ones mentioned. Tamar and Ruth, any woman of note is recorded by name, and even some women who didn't really do anything. But someone long ago thought that the genealogy wouldn't be complete without women. And that is a biological truth.

So, genealogies are a little boring. But, they show that the OT culture isn't so masculine-focused as maybe some of us thought. They didn't hide their women, or ignore them, even some of the naughty ones. And, I don't want women to be satisfied with this consolation prize of a few notable mentions, but just to point out that women are there, noted by name--a hidden history lingering on the edges of scripture.

David's sisters are not the only ones to get mention. Think of the prophetess Mariam, sister of Moses. Mary and Martha, who have more written about them than their miracle brother Lazarus.

Don't forget the sisters, they're there, but if you don't read closely, you can miss them.

Why Is The OT Soooo Boring?

If you haven't said it yourself, you've heard it: "Why read the Old Testament? It's sooo boring."

And yes, unless endless lists of genealogies excite you, then yeah, boring. Now, let me tell you a story.

I had a religion professor once who talked about the end of the Book of Mormon. I don't know if I remember anything else from that class, but I remember what she said that day. She said that she had an idea of how Moroni felt, alone, the last of his people, protecting a written history of family and culture and language that he would never be able to pass on--no one to relieve the burden of history. This professor was the only member in her family, got baptized when she was a teen, went on a mission, became a professor, never married. She did do a lot of genealogy work. And she was the only one in her family who was even interested. So, here she is, late sixties, a room full of boxes of family history, her history, names and people, with no one to take care of them when she will die. She said that she was planning on giving them to a niece, but who knows, they must just gather dust in some attic for another hundred years. All that effort, never used, never appreciated.

So yeah, genealogies are boring, except to the child who is able to find their grandfather's name, great-great grandfather, back and back down the family tree to the very roots. The OT tells about Christ's family. About our spiritual family.

So you either learn to love the genealogies, or that's the part you practice your speed reading on. Just remember, to someone, that's the history of their family, the record of tombstones that should be visited, and visited often.

Why am I saying all this? Because I'm starting the Book of Chronicles, which is mainly genealogy from Genesis to 2 Kings, mixed with the religious history of the law during the time of the kings. And, I'm going to try to make it not so boring.

Stay tuned.

Women (& Men) Watch This

Here is a talk given by Elder Ballard durning Education Week at BYU which answers questions about gender, women in the LDS Church, doctrine about women, and what we are supposed to do from there. When I listened to this talk I felt complete, like all was said and done and so what I should be doing is going forth to declare the good new of Christ. Elder Ballard doesn't make excuses, and recognizes that he has no answers for somethings, just that it is what God said.

And I kind of like that. In some matters we just have to talk to God, get a confirmation that He's still there and running things, and that whatever He does is because He loves us. So, with that answer, let's go. Elder Ballard is calling us to action.

"I leave you my witness and my testimony that we are in a day and a time when we must stand in unityWe must stand together—men and women, young men and young women, boys and girls. We must stand for the plan of our Heavenly Father. We must defend Him. He is being pushed aside. We cannot stand idly by as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and allow that to continue to happen without being courageous enough to let our voices be heard."

M. Russell Ballard, "Let Us Think Straight"

Above all else brethren, let us think straight.” Last words spoken by Elder Ballard's grandfather who died of leukemia in 1939

Women Are Powerful

"Go ye, inquire of the Lord for me, and for the people, and for all Judah, concerning the words of this book that is found...So Hilkiah the priest, and Ahikam, and Achbor, and Shaphan, and Asahiah, went unto Huldah the prophetess"(2 Kings 22:13-14)

When the King found the book of the law in the temple, where it had been forgotten, he told the priest and other men of high positions that they needed to inquire of the current will of the Lord concerning it. So of course, they went to the prophetess Huldah.

At the end of the day, no matter how much political, theological, or priesthood authority a person has, if they don't have a close relationship with God they have no power. In this way, there are many of us who have the right to power through our faithfulness or righteousness. Even the authority to work that power because of callings or positions or missions. Yet, just because we have access to God's power, doesn't mean that we actually have God's power.

The king and high priest had to go to Huldah, because she was the one who talked with God, who had been listening while all of Israel had been deaf. Huldah had the relationship with God that gave her power, and authority.

So, this isn't really a question of the power of men or women or who's more powerful. Because, it is the person who knows God, who has a relationship with Him, that has power and authority. God is powerful.

So stop being concerned with other people's callings, or the authority to do this or that, and get to know your Father. He is what makes you powerful.

Why Did God Kill Those People?

I hope I'm not beating a dead horse, I've mentioned this several times, but I have to say it again if only because this is a great stumbling block to many people. I'm talking about why did God have Israel exterminate all those people who lived in the land of Canaan? I mean, they were commanded to kill every woman and child, even their livestock in some cases. Why?

I don't know the full answer, and I don't know how statisfying this is for some, but this is the reason that the Lord gives over and over. Manasseh, next king after Hezekiah, is accused of doing "that which was evil in the sight of the Lord, after the abominations of the heathen, whom the Lord cast out before the children of Israel" (2 Kings 21:2). What were these abominations:

"built up again the high places...he reared up alters for Baal, and made a grove" (2 Kings 21:3)--idolatry and the sexual sin that usually accompanied 'groves'

"made his son pass through fire"--the KJV's polite way of saying he sacrificed his own son by burning him to death to false gods

"used enchantments, and dealt with familiar spirits and wizards"--invited influences of false and evil spirits (2 Kings 21:6)

"Manasseh shed innocent blood very much" (2 Kings 21:16)

So, the list is idolatry, sexual sins, human sacrifice of own son, listening to evil spirits, and murder. " and Manasseh seduced them to do more evil than did the nations whom the Lord destroyed before the children of Israel...and hath done wickedly above all that the Amorites did, which were before him" (2 Kings 21:9, 11)

So, two great concerns of most people: 1. Why does God allow evil to happen? 2. Why did God tell Israel to kill all those people? Apparently, there is only so much evil God can handle. The answer to the second question is that He was trying to prevent more evil from happening. And for God, He doesn't see people dying and ceasing to exist, He sees it as moving them to another place where they can't hurt anyone anymore.

I hope to be able to see with God's eyes when the time comes.

Does God Change His Mind?

"I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee" (2 Kings 20:5)

So, here is a funny thing: Hezekiah gets sick, Isaiah is sent to tell him that he will die, Hezekiah prays, and the Lord gives him 15 more years. What? The Lord, through a prophet, decreed that the king was going to die. God didn't say it with a wink and a nugh nugh,'Oh, you're going to die *wink* unless you ask me.'

Now, Hezekiah could have accepted the Lord's word, gotten his things in order and prepared to met his Maker. That would have been a great scripture story. That would have been a wonderful example of humility. And yet...

And yet, the king didn't. And God seemed okay with it. So, does God change His mind?

Now, the Gospel-according-to-me would be that we have to read this as not all word of God is the ultimate will of God. By that I mean that God's word is truth and it is good, but His word is also "Come now, and let us reason together" (Isaiah 1:18). I don't mean that God wants us to debate with Him, but I think He wants a discussion, He wants us to be a part in the determining of our own salvation.

There are many examples of this in scripture, but they are all in similitude of The Great Example of Christ. God's word was that the consequence of sin is damnation (an inability to progress to anything more), and yet Christ became our advocate to come and reason together with the Father, laying out the law and the payment of our sins. Now, God knows this already, so why does He want us, like Christ, to come reason with Him?

Because, I think that this is the only way we can really work together with God, to enter into meaningful discussion about His work (our immortal and eternal salvation) with Him, and so get to know Him better.

I was pulled over by a cop last week and got a ticket, and boy oh boy I do not have kind feelings towards that policeman who handed me that ticket without discussion. If God did that, I don't think I'd like Him very much either. But, God isn't handing us a traffic ticket with a list of what we did wrong, no discussion, no explanations, but He wants the explanations and discussions. So, I come out with the same ticket, the same list of things I did wrong, but I don't hate Him for it. He listened to me, gave suggestions, provided a way to wipe the whole thing clean.

Unlike the cop, God respected me enough to listen to me, even though He already knew what I was going to say, and He has the knowledge of eternities and worlds behind Him. He still listened, and He wanted to. Don't get trapped into the box that there is no talking with God, not to change His word, but to change us, and allow us for a small moment to participate with Christ.

Trusting Is Not Without Its Confirmations

"Now on whom dost thou trust...We trust in the LORD our God" (2 Kings 18:20, 22)

After cycles of wicked, or indifferent, kings of both Judah and Israel we get Hezekiah. Now, not only did he do that "which was right in the sight of LORD, according to all that David his father did" (2 Kings 18:3), and "he clave unto the LORD, and departed not from following him" (2 Kings 18:6), but he also "trusted in the LORD God of Israel" so much that it was written of him that "after him was none like him among all the kings of Judah, nor any that were before him" (2 Kings 18:5). He was one of the great ones.

And yet, not that I would say that he had moments of doubt, but the uncertainties of mortal life allow for confirmation of trust, of revelation. During Hezekiah's reign he rebelled against the king of Assyria, whom a former king of Judah had made alliance with. At that time Assyria was the big thing, the great world power. And Assyria was not happy. The Assyrian army came down, and the captain told all of Judah that if they trusted in the LORD God that they would fail, for no gods had stopped the Assyrians before from conquering other lands, and this God was no different.

Now, not that I think Hezekiah doubted the power of the Lord, but in this moment of confusion and the overwhelming view of an invading army, the King needed the comfort of divine confirmation. So Hezekiah went to the temple and from there called Isaiah, who confirmed again the Lord's will that Jerusalem would not be taken.

But the Assyrian captain came again with a letter, taunting, saying "Let not thy God in whom thou trustiest deceive thee" (2 Kings 19:10). So Hezekiah goes to the temple and spreads out the letter before God, and prays. Isaiah sends word to Hezekiah the answer to his prayer: another confirmation. That night an angel descends upon the Assyrian camp, killing everyone.

In our lives this happens all the time. We have been given assurance from God Himself that a thing is to be, will happen, that He will support us to our success. But, that doesn't mean that voices won't come to discourage us, from evil spirits, from enemies, or even from friends and family. When that happens, it is okay to go again to the Lord to receive another confirmation, another shot of divine strength and reassurance. It is not doubt. We are fallen man, and we need some extra comfort once in a while. It can be faith building. It can lead to revelation. It confirms again that the Lord is God.

(THE) Talk That Changed My Life

"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal.

Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!"

There are moments in our lives when certain words, for whatever reason, open the words of revelation, open the grace of the atonement to pour out upon our souls, and life is never the same. We are never the same. One of the most spiritual weekends of my life lead up to this talk by Elder Holland, not only answering my prayers but allowing me to forgive. That forgiveness was the gateway to me healing of very old wounds, ones that I'd never let Christ close.

This talk changed my life. Maybe it'll do something for you.

Elder Holland, BYU Devotional Jan. 2009, "Remember Lot's Wife"

Covenant Against Loneliness

"Until the LORD removed Israel out of his sight, as he had said by all his servants the prophets." (2 Kings 17:23)

Israel had broken its covenant, big time. And had been doing it for a long time. But, worship of other gods had finally progressed until "they caused their sons and daughters to pass through the fire" (2 Kings 17:17)--in other words, they killed their children as burnt sacrifices upon the alters of other gods. Since the days of Moses the Lord had warned against the gods of other countries, and had continually warned His covenant nation against the consequences of breaking that covenant through His prophets.

What does a covenant with God mean? It means that He will never leave us alone, He will always be our God if we are always His people. Without that covenant, we are out of His sight. With the covenant, we are always in His sight, watched and protected. Israel gave up that covenant.

It is not good for man to be alone.

The Helper

"And the Lord was gracious unto them, and had compassion on them, and had respect unto them, because of his covenant with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and would not destroy them, neither cast he them from his presence as yet" (2 Kings 13:23)

I wish God was more of a preventer. I mean, He prevents a lot of bad things from happening. But, really, He's a helper. In 2 Kings 14:26 the Lord sees the "affliction of Israel" because there was no "helper for Israel." And in another war with the king of Syria "the LORD gave Israel a savior" (2 Kings 13:5).

God really wants to help us, He wants to so bad that Jesus was tortured, and died for us. That's something to remember when we're on our knees at night, crying to our God for relief, that that is all He wants to do. And it's funny, but Heavenly Father is only able to help us when we let Him. We have power in that way.

Here's the caveat though, the Lord will only help us in His own way. So in the end, I guess it's not really about us praying for the Lord's help. We keep our covenants and it's guaranteed. What we need to pray for is the wisdom to be humble to the Lord's direction, and the revelation to know it.

I'll pray for that.

What Is It Good For?

"All the money of the dedicated things that is brought into the house of the LORD...Let the priests take it to them...and repair the breaches of the house, wheresoever any breach shall be found" (2 Kings 12:4-5)

So in the last post I talked about getting rid of everything not Christ, and what a happy coincidence, this next chapter describes what we should do with those Christ-things that are left. King Jehoash tells the priests to use money not to continue to furnish the temple with treasure for the Lord, but to use it to repair breaches. And guess what, God was okay with that.

Temples are also houses of refuge, and must be maintained for safety, that no one not worthy can come in to pollute the house.

We are temples. And we have been furnishing ourselves with testimonies, with beautiful prayers and cross-stitched scriptures on pillows. Now, these are not bad things. But, what are they all good for? The Primary Answers--prayer, scriptures, church--are first and foremost for protection. They are how we invite the Holy Spirit and keep out other influences that seek to do us harm. We must use the things of God to protect ourselves, to make certain that there is no chink in our armor, or tear in our robes. Or in others. We can use the things of the Spirit to protect ourselves and others, to maintain a wholeness of being a spiritual creature in Christ. In fact, that appears to be why God gives us these things in the first place. Protected, we can better concentrate on becoming holy, like Him.

Do not let testimonies or faith stagnant as they wait for special occasions or blatant spiritual moments. Every second is a spiritual moment.

"Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savor, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing" (Matt 5:13)

Who Is On My Side?

"And he lifted up his face to the window, and said, Who is on my side? who?"(2 Kings 9:32)

So, I've noticed a pattern. Remember the book of Judges and how Israel was always fighting outside armies? Well, in 2 Kings the problem is that the enemy is already inside, the destructive seed being the worshipping of golden calves and Baal. But the pattern, the cycle, is that after they start to follow other gods a prophet or king comes and reminds them of their covenant position with the Lord God, and re-covenants with them, and the false priests and followers and destroyed from among the people.

Jehu asks "Who is on my side?" before killing the wicked queen Jezebel.

He then gathers all the priests of Baal, saying, "Search, and look that there be here with you none of the servants of the LORD, but the worshippers of Baal only" (2 Kings 10:23).

Jehoiada the priest "made a covenant between the Lord and the king and the people, that they should be the Lord’s people; between the king also and the people. And all the people of the land went into the house of Baal, and brake it down(2 Kings 11:17-18).

I was thinking about this, and how our lives aren't so different. We "all like sheep have gone astray" (Isaiah 53:6). But that's okay, that's why we have a Shepard, a Savior. That's why we take the sacrament every Sunday. That is the way we remember whose side we are on, we can remember the covenants we have made, and renew them, rededicate ourselves.

But, that's only part of the repentance process. We still need to get ride of those things that would entice us to sin again. If we have built up alters, or chosen friends or heroes that would lead us from Christ then we must put them outside of our lives. For example, my sister had to get rid of Netflix, not because it was evil or anything, but because it enabled her to watch bad movies, ones that started to make her focus on the negative things of life, increasing negative feelings and influences.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, do it with me. Together, this Sunday, let's take the sacrament, consciously renew our covenants, remember who's side we're on, and then get rid of everything that doesn't strengthen us in Christ. What destroys us most are those things we invite in through the front door, subtle and persuasive habits and ideas and people. Then, the only thing that will remain is Christ, and He is life and salvation.

I promise, personal happiness will increase.

I Have A Confession...

In case anyone was making the mistake in thinking that I'm perfect in doing what I preach--I'm here to confess.

Lately (I say lately, but I really mean maybe the last five months)I've noticed that my prayers have been way below standard. I used to be really great at prayers, they were constant, and meaningful, and answers came. But, as I've said, I've been struggling lately. I can barely manage to say morning and evening prayers, and when I do they just lack the spiritual power that they used to have. So, looking at it logically, I've done the math: if God hasn't changed, and the Holy Ghost hasn't changed, then the one person in this equation who had to have changed was me!

Now, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong in this, changing, I mean. Life changes, people change, and so relationships change as a result, even the relationship with our Heavenly Father. Which is why I've maybe been so slow to get back to where I was. I was rationalizing, making excuses for myself. Have you ever done that? I would say, Oh, I try better next fast Sunday so that I can start off strong. Things get busy and crazy so then I think, Well, too bad, I'll try better next month.

Well, no more procrastinating. I don't know why I think that making a change always has to be some big thing, that the ritual of fasting and meditation prove to God that I'm serious. I am serious, right now. So I better do it before I lose the courage.

And that's what it really comes down to: fear. Not laziness, but a fear to pray. Since I haven't been praying that well, it means that I haven't been repenting that well. And so, I know that this prayer isn't going to be easy. Me and Heavenly Father have a lot to discuss. I know I'm going to cry, but I also know that He is going to make me feel so much better about myself, and I'm going to come out of it red-eyed and smiling.

Funny that I talked about Primary Answers last week, because it was in Primary that it really hit me hard that I need to improve my prayers. During sharing time, the Primary President shared a quote from a BYU Devotional by Bruce D. Porter that really hit me hard:

"But prayer was never meant to be ordinary: it can be among the most exalted of privileges we enjoy in this mortal sphere."

Prayer was never meant to be ordinary. Wow. I mean, it is the way to commune with deity, God the Father, the Supreme Creator of the universe. No, I guess that it wouldn't be ordinary.

So, this is a confession, and I hope it lets you all know that I'm working on things too. It's easy to say things like love your neighbor and pray everyday and keep the commandments of God: doing them is something else entirely. But, entirely worth it.